The Doorbooth Album (You're Going Crazy And I'm Coming With You)

by Andy the Doorbum

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about

This the first Andy the Doorbum full length recorded entirely at the World Famous Milestone Club while working the door at shows.

credits

released October 10, 2005

Written and Recorded by Andy the Doorbum.
Performed by Andy the Doorbum except where noted.

license

all rights reserved

tags

Track Name: Viti
(One more time and I think we got it.) (Alright, here we go.)

Stress is coming up.

And the master is who?
And the sergeant tells who?

Gonna ask you once, who do you think you are?

And if you're not in charge....Then the master is who?

Then the master is who?

I haven't seen your face in that reflection...In such a long time.

Blah blah blah
Track Name: 'P' is for the 'Pot' that I 'put' in my 'pill' bottles
Let's say you're walking to a dangling payphone and there's someone on the other line that desperately needs your help.

Question is, do you help them....or hang up and call the cops?

The log is floating on, so it looks like the ants are going with it

A Thundererous sound, but they don't see a goddamn thing so

They push it, they push it, they push it, they push it, they push it, they push it, they push it, and yet nothing happens.

Oh wait, there's just one tiny thing that does..

The world's a living hell, so it looks like we're all a-going with it.

Find someone to help you hide your home,

Cause there's a barricade of people in the mouths of those demons.

It's coming back to tell you that you need everything you've got just to take that tape from your lips to put them on the lids of your eyes,

To make sure that they remain open.

Crash your car into the first solid thing that you see!!

I'm a believer brother! But only because you're so convincing.

Oh, wait. There's just one little thing that wasn't.

If you plan to stick around, you better bring something better than those pacifier drugs.

Because the dogs are coming down, and they're sniffing up the measure of whatever you're worth.

They've got vicious panting teeth that bite so ambitious,

You turn to pat their heads acting so ambitious,

You offer open hand, they lick so ambitious,

They taste your oily fear, tasting so delicious...and careless.

Oh you're careless, you're careless, you're careless, you're careless, you're careless for letting this happen..

To the people that you love that once loved....you.

Some people find living next to a cemetery disturbing because they’re so close to dead rotting bodies.

They don’t stop to think that they’re even closer to dead people whilst walking through their local shopping super center.

So grab that shovel…and join the dig.

This is it. Here it comes. Through the grass. Sirens!

Ahhh don’t you know the ‘that hurts’ grin?

If you’re not persistent enough, well, they will push you in.

Got calculators to sort out this sort of predicament,

Cattle eat their own cud, and we eat them.

I believe dinosaurs did not exist, because the bible didn’t say so,

Ahhhhhhhahahahahaahhhhhhahahahahhhaaahhahahahahahahhaahhhh!
Track Name: Beatin' Stick
Nice.
Track Name: Two-Bite Cakes
“And he dottled a little note to god.” –Sean

You lick my hands, soon I’ll be free of them.
I don’t want anything I do not need.
Your dry hookers are toast, and you paid way too much for them.
You shouldn’t fuck anything you would not eat.
Crawl through the sand, make your belly deal with it.
You won’t feel anything I guarantee.

When the gold rush hit, thousands of people came from all directions to strike it what they thought was rich, but they’re dead.
And we’re all the better for it.

“Chunk” – Neal

You sniff my hands and ask what I have done with them,
I built a church near the on-ramp in the weeds,
And its funny you should mention how much you don’t trust me,
I don’t like putting my songs on repeat.
So, untie my hands. Give me back the use of them.
Find someone else, I’ve retired. I got firedahhhh!

When the gold rush hit, thousands of people came from all directions to strike it what they thought was rich, but now they’re dead.
And we’re all the better for it.
Track Name: King of the Facial Rash
Went to bed with a medicine of irreversible damage,
Made it a place in the sun.
Cast the first stone, lest ye be judged, man the loaded rocket launchers.
We are all firm believers in the institution of killing to get shit done.

Miss the dramatic endings of books we used to read to children,
That might be the best that we can do.
Let the men who kill me know the legacy that I leave.
Its kind of romantic, well, some of it…Animals trying to be wild a zoo.

I implore. Yayayayour your yayayayour your yayaya your.
Cobalt blue sense of human decency, or so I’m taught.
Feeling like an old woman who’s chewing her snuff,
Despite the fact half her jaw has rotted off.
Track Name: Honeywell
Benzocaine. Cause its not a mouth now, it’s a canker.
Monofluorophosphate. A sure shot at a sore-less salvation.

Grow it again, callused skin inside my cheek.
Crushing the old retainer hole it used to leave.
It’s remarkable that its gone, but it felt natural for a bit,
I can’t help but to grieve.
The loss of that pit is like something I once said to you, but you were looking the other way so maybe you lost it.

Benzocaine. Cause its not a mouth now, it’s a canker.
Monofluorophosphate. A sure shot at a sore-less salvation.

Grow it again, callused skin inside my cheek.
Crushing the old retainer hole it used to leave.
It used to leave.

Benzocaine. Cause its not a mouth now, it’s a canker.
No,its not a mouth now, it’s a canker.

Inside my cheek, it used to leave.
Inside my cheek.
It used to leave, it’s remarkable that its gone,
But it felt natural for a bit..I can’t help but to grieve.

So, I stepped on his toe and this is what happened…
Track Name: I don't know, poop. What rock. When.
(Instrumental)
Track Name: It's About Time That Yeti Got Down With Us Humans
There’s a Yeti who lives in these woods.
Every so often, wanders down into a quiet neighborhood.
He gets shot at and photographed by passers by,
If not careful, one day, oh that Yeti’ll die.

I put on my radar, I put it on.
And I saw that it was coming, ten minutes before the-
Sub was rocked by an explosion that was large e-
Nough to make a door for water.

There’s a Yeti who lives in these woods.
And the town folk, they think that he’s up to no good.
Got machetes and raped what they could. God is good!
And his blade, though dull, cuts like it should.

I attend a ceremony of mathematics,
I profess the language of an accidental-
Dose, until I find that it is not enough.
This self-medication thing is rough.
I know teaching’s hard, and that’s why I don’t do it.
I stay up ‘til 7am sifting through a slew of-
Photographs that could not be that of an ape.
The town has burned down, and the Yeti’s doin’ great.
Track Name: Make A Right At The Light
If it makes any difference, I feel bad about the whole thing.
Let’s make a deal that will swap our morality.
I took shrapnel in my left leg but I didn’t feel anything, I thought that I got out unharmed,

But I was wrong.
I was wrong.

I was unconscious for almost an hour, but I didn’t black out, it was white.
I sought shelter.
Struck us a deal that would insure neutrality.
If it makes a shit to you, I’ll humble and admit-

That we were wrong.
We were wrong.
We were wrong.
And we’ve been that way for a long time.

Chucking it all out the window will warrant the quickest police response.
Measure it out in a cup that is marked very clearly with random dots.
Plagiarizing is what we live for, so maybe if we die the laws will change.
And the death toll…the death toll will only be matched by the loveliness of the following spring.

Ahhhhh!!!!
Track Name: He Needs Drugs
This is the beginning. This is the end.
Here’s how it goes. Sing along.

“I need drugs.” – Josh
“He needs drugs.” – Me
“Ahhhhh!!!” – Us and Junius
Track Name: Horrible Hairdo
Because I have seen them. Let me tell you one thing, I have seen them. And I have heard them talk. Heard their banter. Seen the putrid fumes rise from their mouths like a toilet gasping for air after an overweight man has just finished trying to wipe himself clean. These are the same people who, after getting their heads bashed in by a sledge hammer, do not call for a doctor, or an ambulance, or a hospital. They ask for a mirror to make sure the ordeal didn’t mess up their hair, because they know that an unbrushed scalp is a breeding ground for the devil. But when they look, oh glorious day, when they see their reflection they will be cleansed by their own blood, coming from that newly formed crater in the top of their heads. And when they see it. When they know. When they have tasted that righteous offering, they will not be blind, for they will have seen something they shall never see again. And that is themselves….dying…..on a blessed day..

With a horrible hairdo.
Track Name: The Mayan Calendar
(Instrumental)
Track Name: Land of Punt
About face for the spatula addicts, they finally have it.
You’ll be a reject, so throw me a ladder, it’s time for ascension!

My ex-lover is the best artist I’ve ever known.
She made me the finest painting that I’ve ever owned.

God bless the preacher show, but what about the buffalo?
And do your ears hang low, or is that just your stereo?
Keep it all above the belt, just make it a fatal blow.
There is a gash on my thumb I did not know was there.
I felt no pain even though my blood leaked everywhere.

When you confuse the touch, glorious-
Words will come out your teeth, lose a leg to sentimental mush.

A golden palace is calling the starving and their starving gut,
To hop the walls to find a suitable donor and light ‘em up.
Tell me where you want to go, and I’ll let you through.
‘Cause if you got a virgin sew you’re as good as new.

If I asked you to hold my hand while I got the chair..
I wonder if you would die or just get standing hairs.

‘Cause there are only two paintings accompanying me in my keep.
Both photo static copies that look just as good, but they’re twice as fucking cheap.
By the way, that’s a good thing.

When you confuse the touch, glorious-
Words will come out your teeth, lose a leg to sentimental mush.
Track Name: The Bird Flu Epidemic of 2012
My face is hanging on the wrong side.
I spit up monarch butterflies.
It comes from putting out cigarettes, in sulfuric acid when I put them in my stomach, and a-

Bow bow bow Somebody hit the bass drum.
Tap Tap Tap one more body in the dungeon.
Bow bow bow Somebody hit the bass drum.
Thump it, goddamnit, cause I don’t have one.

You don’t remember me but I do.
And I’m so very glad I met you.
So I can puke up my butterflies,
In the mouths of hoppy toads,
That beauty’s just food in their eyes.
It’s gold, it’s green and it’s coming with a quickness.
Rehearsing like an avalanche, spreading like a sickness.

Bow bow bow Somebody hit the bass drum.
Throw ho ho another body in the engine.
Bow bow bow Somebody hit the bass drum.
Thump it, goddamnit, cause I can’t afford one.

Lowsy orphans go to school while I depend on government grants,
I’d be pissed if I were slightly interested in taking classes.
Bow bow bow Somebody’s got a paycheck,
And if you’re not careful less-fortunates will come and steal it.

And it’s gold, it’s green and it’s coming with a quickness.
It’s got a nice chunk cut out, but could use work on the thickness.
Track Name: Crouching to Shit Over a Campfire
“Fuck you buddy, you’re paying for this studio time.” –Me

“Have fun asshole. I’m not paying for shit!” –Neal

“You don’t think so...You haven’t paid yet.” –Me

“You better lay this down on the right tempo this time.” –Neal

“We gotta dedicate this to somebody.” –Me

“Slow that tempo down a little bit.” –Neal

“We gotta dedicate this…This is for everybody! This is for people that pieces of shit,

And pieces of shit that are people!” –Me

“And that’s not Philip Shive cause he’s not a piece of shit!” –Neal

“No, he’s just people.” –Me

“Can I get one ear?” –Neal

I walk to, and pop it off, in a jack-off booth.
I find the filthiest thing I can use to wipe it off, a silk suit.
I call that a promise held to truth. (That’s what I think about.)
Crouching over campfires to take a shit..
I feel the burn but I don’t see what else you get out of it.
Waste disposal has a steeper fee. (Now pay it up, prick!)
You think long hair’s cool cause there’s a hippie in town,
Paid thirty bucks to get his threads and yet the punks got him down.
How ironic for an iconic poster boy to try to make a move. (Huh!)

Trendy kids are cool to fuck with,
Cause you can tell them things are popular when they are not and they’ll believe you,
Because they’re stupid. Oh, they’re really, really fucking stupid.
They’re all just worthless morons, and let’s pray that they wear condoms
So they don’t have some fucking stupid kids like they are,
And like their parents were for having them, they’re stupid.
Oh, they’re really, really fucking stupid for having trendy kids.
Oh, they’re goddamn stupid.

I walk to, and pop it off in a jack-off booth.
It’s not the pleasantest thing, but by god, damnit, it’s the truth.
If you’d like I got a garment with the crusty remnants of the proof.
(Your values don’t mean shit to you, so…)
P-p-p-p-p-p-please do one thing for me,
Take toilet paper and wipe off your ass when it starts to bleed
From the campfires burning in between your knees. (I’ll repeat it for you.)

Trendy kids are cool to fuck with.

“Fuck with em” –Neal
Track Name: Finger Chopper
“Alright you guys. Nah, the bottom one’s locked.” –Me

“The bottom one?” –DJ BenLadin



“That was good…that was good.” –Me

“Wooo!!” –Guinness John
Track Name: Floating on a Log of Epsom Salt in the Ocean
We, the three of us, are from different conquerors. We could be compared to vandals, Goths, Huns. But once it is forgotten, none of us, not one will be.



Blah



My face will only be around for the remainder.

Don’t you pay any attention to that sound? It is danger.
Track Name: My, How Your Hookworm Has Grown
Little Japanese, little Japanese hookworm,
I’m related to you in a simple way.
Little Japanese kamikaze pilot,
I’m related to you in a much more complex way.

It’s coming up. It’s coming right up.
It’s coming right up again.

I lived a lonely little life in the village,
I didn’t know that it would count, I promise this time I will take it slower.
I spent a lonely little time living my life,
I didn’t know that this was it,
I’m sure next time it will be different for us.

I spent a lonely little time in the village,
I didn’t know that it would count, I promise this time I will take it slower.
I lived a lonely little life in my village,
I didn’t know that this was it,
I’m sure next time it will be different for us.
Track Name: Soon We Will Live Road Warrior
Your world of everything is coming to an end.
It’s kind of rewarding.
Make sure to make some moves, with your busted chin.
Evolved, well, sort of.

Ready all the roads.
The trucks are coming. The trucks are coming.
Ready all the wolves. Ready all the wolves. Ready
all the wolves.
The lambs are coming. The food’s arrived.

The staggering thing is to think that thousands of us are in near fatal car accidents every year. Despite this, we ride home from the hospital in automobiles.

Ready all the roads.
The funeral’s a motorcade.
Killed by the same thing driving you to the grave.
Pull over! Pull over!
Track Name: 3 Packs A Day
I crown me myself and I do it the best,
With my sexual skin on my cellulite chest.
Won’t somebody crack me one good one right on the head,
Before I’m obsolete, first I need to be fed.
Cause what’s sleep if you don’t have a comfortable bed?
I learned a long time ago you’re only worth as many organs
As you can donate once you’re partially dead.

Snipers got their shots.
Drunks got their shots, too.
So wind up with your nose in the dirt,
Or buy a round and enjoy the view.

Cause it’s a matter of time before the right tire runs over your foot
And bestows you with the blessing of insurance claims,
And a nice fitting caste that stays right where they’re put.
I crown me Myself and yes, I do it the best
With my predator pose right where the Blue Nile crests.
I’m absolute that it’s a measure I am doomed to repeat,
With rotting carcasses aplenty but not one good to eat.

Snipers got their shots.
Dogs got their shots, too.
So wind up with your nose in the dirt,
Or get vaccinated against the flu.

Somewhere far and wide, where you refuse to be wrong,
Like a drill sergeant I take off my hat so we’ll get along.
And I sing you the saddest marching song.
Track Name: When Ants Start Living In My Car It's Time For A Species Specific Genocide
(Instrumental)
Track Name: Fillet Knives Are For Fishes
We’re gonna drain Lake Powell and let Glen Canyon breathe.
It’s a remarkable towel and it’s soaking up everything. Everything.

It’s almost like it wasn’t worth the trouble of being born.
So get your little filet knife out of my horns.

We’re gonna take Duke Power and run em up a tree,
Cause there’s a lot of stress down at McGuire and Lake Norman is history.
We’re gonna flood the Allegheny just like it used to be.
Didn’t your parents ever teach you not to try to stop a river that’s been pissed in
For over a century.

It’s almost like it wasn’t worth the trouble of being born.
So get your little filet knife out of my horns.
Track Name: Broken Cymbal Death March
I am absolutely certain that I thought of something earlier that was on the rim of genius, expectedly.
I don’t remember it, I don’t remember it, I don’t remember it, I don’t remember it.
If legs are the closest we can come to perpetual thought then I secede from the Union.
Fly your flags in my parade and your house will be burnt to its foundation.

I don’t like wasting my time wasting time.
I’d imagine it’s similar on the edge of a shiny penny.
Keep pointing that finger and I’ll show it where to point.
Where’s all that good grace? I guess there isn’t any.

Costly though it may be, I am a ridiculous cheap shot at regular passion.
If you stick your finger in my face one more time I’ll bite it off!
I’ll bite it off! I’ll bite it off!! I’ll bite it off!!
If you stick your finger in my face one more time…
I’ll bite it off!! I’ll bite it off!! I’ll bite it off!! I’ll bite it off!!!!!

I don’t like wasting my time wasting time.
I’d imagine it’s similar on the edge of a shiny nickel.
I’ll take your finger and I’ll put it in a yellow-green jar in my fridge.
And I’ll grin every time I have guests over and offer them a pickle.
Track Name: Pick It With A Quarter
Take it kinda slow in the parts of your body that you don’t know.
Take it kinda slow in the parts of your body that you don’t know.
Sway it to and fro. Plant a little dumpling thing and watch it grow.
Take it kinda slow in the parts of your body that you don’t know.

Everything you see is a path to redemption. It’s a path to redemption.
It’s a path to survival.
How happy will you be when you speak the same language
And join together in a common tongue to build the next Tower of Babel?

My business is clean. Normally I pull a cat and lick obscene.
My abyss is clean. Normally I pull a cat and lick obscene.
Motor skills come through, but I do not think I should be driving you.
My business is fit. Normally I pull a cat and lick it.

You’re on the wrong course. You’re on the wrong course.
You’re not making a decision that you were paid to make.
And by “paid” I mean that you don’t do shit worth shit,
So I guess I’ll stay too poor to pay anybody and do it myself.

You represent an inexcusable trend of backlash in sobriety
And it’s the age of redemption.
Is it any wonder that I found your name tattooed on me when I woke up?

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